Self Empowerment II

 Well, it has been 3 years since I put together my original work on this website, and seemed long overdue for some updates and more Self-Empowerment ideas!

Each of the suggestions that I have put together here I have tried myself, and usually I just do them for my love of trying new things or just trying to reach outside of my comfort zone. In doing so, my self-esteem usually soars during the process and after completing it. As always, try what calls to your heart, whether it is on this list or not. Eleanor Roosevelt said “we must do the very thing that we are afraid of”. There are still many fears for me to let go of or conquer, but I find that when I am more congruent, or in alignment with what my heart longs for and brings me joy, I am more at peace in my life. I am also able to help inspire others by example, which is a nice bonus. I realized when I started writing my list of the things that I tried these last 3 years, that they were all “inner-work” related activities…public speaking, detaching from the outcome, seeing things from different perspectives…I had done nothing ADVENTUROUS in almost 3 years while I was focused on building my massage practice! Well, I quickly remedied that! I took a motorcycle class, did a “zipline” on a “face your fears” retreat with my way cool coach Patt www.adventurecoach.com), and took a much needed vacation retreat to Utah ( a place I have wanted to visit since I was about 8 years old…took me almost 30 years, but I got there!) And I have a few others on my list…

As always, I am open to suggestions of things to try,

so if you would like to pass them along, please send an email!

When we feel good about ourselves, we have so much more to give to those around us, so please don’t ever think of this time just for you as selfish! Plus, you CAN always invite friends to join you in your ventures. Don’t have friends that are interested in the things you want to try? As one of the nice ladies on my trip said, “When you start doing the things you love, you will make even more friends who share your interests…”

SO! Make your music, dance your dance, write your story, live your dreams, breathe the fresh air and enjoy this life. We are here for such a short time, and receive our fair share of challenges, and we also receive our plenty of opportunities for joy!

 

BELLYDANCE

WARDROBE OVERHAUL

MOTORCYCLE CLASS

PUBLIC SPEAKING

ADVENTURE COURSE/ZIPLINE

CREATE A TIME LINE OF YOUR LIFE

POWER OF ATTRACTION

LIFE LESSONS

VOLUNTEER

PRETEND INTERVIEW

DETACHMENT

LEARN, LEARN, LEARN

NEW PERSPECTIVE

STRENGTHS/WEAKNESSES

MEDITATE/BE IN THE MOMENT

POTTERY CLASS

SHARING

TRAIN FOR AN EVENT

SOLITUDE

HONOR DIFFERENCES/SENSE OF BELONGING

CLOTHING OPTIONAL BEACH

SOME RESOURCES

INNER GUIDANCE/INTUITION

LOOK INTO MY EYES

RELEASE RESENTMENT

 Take a Belly dance class!!  Okay, this one is more for the ladies, but fellas—hey, If you want to try it, be my guest! (There are lots of videos if you can’t find a class or  don’t want anyone watchin’!) This is amazing for the self-esteem. Bring out your inner goddess and ultimate femininity, don’t worry if you aren’t already totally buff—this teaches you to love and enjoy your body, and YOU, but it IS a great workout too, (and really fun costumes!) My 2 favorites are Lurainya (who I have taken several classes with—she is wonderful, and is able to break the movements down very well. She also has a passion for helping women feel empowered and loving their bodies). www.moongypsy.net   She also has an organization called “WomenMove”. Check it out on her site. I also love Gypsy Caravan (www.gypsycaravan.us). Paulette is wonderful too. You can see the joy she has for the art while she teaches the moves! Bellydance is also great for your posture (which, if you haven’t guessed yet, is one of my passions for better overall health and well-being). It also gives you a sense of grace, poise and connectedness.

I’d like to add here that any form of dance is phenomenal for your body, mind and spirit.

And truly, you need to “dance as if no one is watching” to get the most out of it. I love it, but when I get caught up in “not being as good as the instructor” (even though I know better and tell my flexibility and massage therapy students that I have been doing it a long time and they can’t expect the same thing after 1 day…!) But when I relax and ‘Just Do It” and really feel the music…I feel at one with the universe! On the Utah trip, I tried a little class in Salsa, Hip Hop, and Nia dance, and on a women’s gathering I tried “yoga dance” (aka dance kinetics) and “goddess dance”…I wasn’t perfect, and I wanted to quit because of that, but I stuck it out, and we were able to laugh at ourselves, but it was fun and I felt lighter and freer during and after when I would just go with the music.

Have a wardrobe overhaul~ This experience made me feel like “Pretty Woman”! It taught me what colors and styles suit me best. I teamed up with Paula Molino (www.fashionfix.com) and first she met with me to see what I would like to accomplish and to offer a few suggestions, noting my body type and facial structure ( I didn’t know that certain necklines are more flattering and enhancing on certain face shapes!) Next step—Closet Declutter! I know, it’s tough! I do this periodically, and I did it again---my definite throw away pile, give away pile, and the not sure pile—then had a friend with a discerning, objective eye help with the not sure pile. So when Paula came over, I only had to let go of 3 more items. As it stated in one of her articles, you do need to be prepared to receive a suggestion to let go of some styles that are too “old” or too “young” for you, don’t enhance your shape, or are just dowdy, frumpy or outdated. And keep an open mind. (My problem is I would get a bunch of clothes on sale, but none that I really LOVED or just didn’t fit me well, and they would sit in my drawer. Paula’s suggestion—instead of buying 20 shirts at $5 or $10 a piece that I didn’t love and wouldn’t wear, purchase -invest- in 5 shirts that cost $20 each that I really love and will wear often. I also had thought I needed to be more conservative in my attire at one point, and she pointed out that that didn’t suit my personality or style, and that with my career, I had much more freedom with my choices. Whew!!

The fun part was the shopping~ Believe me, I am not a shopper. I go to the mall 1-2 times a year. It’s nice if I’m not looking for something specific, but frustrating if I am…Paula said my job was to just try on clothes and keep an open mind…some of what she would hand me I might not like on the hanger but would look great on (she was right!) and that her job was all the legwork and  offering her opinion on how it looked on me.  3 ½ hours later I had several outfits that I LOVED, and people around me noticed a difference right away and I also received more attention at some of the business functions (I think it was a combination of how I looked as well as the confidence I exuded from feeling great!) I always admired Paula at the business functions because her clothes always looked like a part of her, not something added.

I highly suggest this experience for anyone who wants to feel better about their look. Of course, there are also hair and make-up makeovers too! But it is important to keep YOUR TRUE ESSENCE in any of this. If you really don’t want to cut your waist length hair up to your shoulders, then don’t. But keep an open mind about various longer styles. If the clothes they put you in don’t feel like you AT ALL, let them know. A good professional will not only take into account what looks good on you, but your personality and lifestyle. If you are a minimalist with make up, let the artist know that.

And remember, all of this is just the “outside packaging”. It is even more important to cultivate and embrace your inner beauty which shines through and makes you the most beautiful—and confident—on the outside.

Learn how to ride a Motorcycle~ Oh, this was fun! I love being on the back of a cycle, and I found out by chance that in Pennsylvania, they have a free class (for PA residents it is free, outside residents there is a fee…) for the motorcycle safety program. (www.pamsp.com) It cost only $10 for the permit. Then about 15 hours of instruction. Some was theory, but most was hands on with bikes supplied by them. Did I mention how fun this was? Now, to be honest, I am not sure I want to own a bike yet or not…there are lots of things to consider on a real road, but they simulate all kinds of real life situations, and just controlling the bike made me feel great.

 

Public Speaking~ Oh boy…this is listed as the top fear…even more feared than death itself! I have always been incredibly shy and soft spoken. I have been made fun of for this as long as I can remember. At the very least people always wondered what was “wrong” with me…Although I remember my first public speaking opportunity, my grade school teacher gave us an assignment about what we dream of for our planet, and 3 of us were chosen during our chorus performance to stand in front and say our top 3 things of “I dream a dream of a new tomorrow, when__________.” The one that I remember vividly was when there would be no more cruelty to animals…

It is funny how one event leads to another….I remember playing with my imaginary friends as a kid, teaching them lessons, and trying to get real friends on the school yard to let me teach them exercises, but never thought about it seriously, because talking to people scares me out of my wits! But in 2000, I went to Jamaica by myself (see Self-Empowerment I) and I felt so confident that I came back and just started talking…!

I let my work know I’d love to teach, and I got the job as assistant teacher for our massage program. The students’ feedback was that I was great, but lacked confidence when I took over for the teacher, and that I was too soft spoken. My boss was awesome…set me up with her friend who was an acting/voice coach. We realized quickly that my voice projected more when I had fun…and I realized I was more confident when I felt like I was taking the students under MY wing, rather than worrying about what they were thinking of me. Luckily, I also learned years ago to laugh at myself every time I make a mistake…so I laugh a lot!! I make corny jokes to amuse myself and it also creates levity in the environment. That evolved into me teaching my own workshops and doing small public speaking engagements here and there, and I LOVE IT! I am so in the moment when I teach, and I love the questions---even if it is the same one 100 other people asked me, because it is always asked in a different way, and  helps me to keep a fresh perspective, and I learned through a mentor that I don’t need to know all the answers! How liberating is THAT!! If I don’t know something…of course for the first few seconds I feel like I SHOULD know the answer, and what if they think I’m stupid, or a fraud, or whatever runs through most of our minds…or what if they don’t like me…but then I realize, I can research it, or give them whatever information that I do know so they can research it, and if they don’t like me…well, I sincerely wish them the best of luck in finding the right person that they feel more connected with who can help them.

Now I have had the opportunity to speak for classes of 1, up to about 50 participants! And the largest was a brief 5 minute stretch break I conducted for about 140 participants!

I think each time that this is where my favorite speakers probably started, who now speak in front of thousands, and often…this amazes me every time…with no notes!!

In being the “public speaker” in my family, I also had the honor of being the person to do a eulogy for my parents last year. My Dad died in 2001, and my Mom died in 2006, and they each had their own service. But we were going to bury both of their ashes together, and not many in my family like to talk in front of people, and of course it was a very emotional time, but I was able to put that aside for a bit to be able to give the words that came from my heart for my parents. This will always remain my greatest honor.

And I wouldn’t have been able to do it, if this particular series of events hadn’t happened! (Among “smaller, less memorable events” that have eluded my memory…)

I also look at other teachers that I admire, and what traits I want to emulate, and then there are the speakers that…aren’t very engaging, and I notice what they do so that I can improve on that and not make the same mistakes. Of course, there is also the trick of looking above the crowd if looking at their eyes makes you nervous, there is picking 3 or 4 people throughout the room so it looks like you are looking at everyone, and the old standby of picturing everyone naked…I think that might make me more nervous though!

Sometimes talking one on one is the most challenging now…learning as a business person how to do the “30 second commercial” and coming across as educational and not sales-y, as well as going up TO someone at an event and begin a conversation (rather than them coming to MY class) is my next challenge to address!

I’ll let you know how that goes!

Adventure Course/Zipline—I mentioned in Self Empowerment 1 about Outward Bound. Still two of my all time greatest experiences. You learn so much about overcoming fears, working as a team, and just all around life lessons in such a short period of time. Check in your area for different adventure courses. Coach Patt in Medford Lakes, NJ (www.adventurecoach.com) has various hikes throughout the year, and she brings her love of nature and adventure to her sessions. We had our “Face Your Fears” day complete with a zipline at a local camp. Basically you climb up this tower (although from what I understand, some places have it on a top of a high hill).  You are harnessed, so you can’t fall further than a few inches. When you get to the top, you sit on a perch, are clipped into the zipline (like a long special clothesline~) and JUMP. You can’t help but yell weeeeeeeeee! (in my case, it was aaaiiiiyyyyyeeee!)   But then the big belly laugh follows! So much fun! I realized watching some of the people back out of it after climbing 20-30 of the 50 feet that I was feeling bad that they weren’t able to complete it—I kept saying to myself that I would be so disappointed in myself if I didn’t complete it after looking forward to it for so long…then I realized something else. For many people, overcoming the fear of admitting they aren’t ready or are too afraid to do it  is just as significant, if not more so, than just doing something so as not to let others down, or worrying what they think of you. I admired each person for where ever they were that day.

Create a Time-Line of your life~ Okay, I haven’t fully done this on paper  yet, but as one of my friends so aptly put it, when I ‘review’ my life, it is so easy for me to see where when one door closed the next opened. (Or, what I thought was an exit was simply the entrance to some place else…) Essentially, go through your life and see the evolution of your path. Many of us feel like we aren’t moving forward, or focus on “mistakes” and “if only’s & what if’s” and seeing the huge, long road ahead of us that it feels like we will never make it to the ‘destination’.  And if we do look ‘back’ we focus on the “bad stuff”. Or, miss the good stuff. But what if we look at each relationship and write down all that we learned from each one? Even in my most negative relationship that often filled me with what I called “muck” when I’d think of it, I was finally able to list off quite a few lessons learned, albeit most of them in a negative way, and then I realized there were some things that made me a much greater person because this person said some negative things that-- true or not, made me look at myself differently and encouraged myself to learn more and be better…then I finally, after many years was able to see, or remember, some good, positive stuff that I received from this relationship. I also know that I would never go back to a situation like that again! We can’t undo it, but we can learn from it. So we can look at love relationships, friendships, work experiences, school times, places we have lived, and when we do this, it is important not to stay stuck in “this person is so horrible for what he/she did to ME”…as some of my favorite authors remind us, sometimes, many times, it is WE who also have done others wrong. Sometimes knowingly, many times not. Again, don’t beat ourselves up over that (easier said than done), but notice how far you have come, or if it is recent, take note and decide how you want to do things differently. Try to view each encounter from your past and present as an “external observer” as if you are watching movie, so you don’t just see things from your side of the story.  We are each at a different place in our lives, and we ourselves have evolved.

Each person we have met, each book we have read, each situation we have experienced has enriched our lives and has helped us to grow. One way I realize how much I have grown—but it also keeps me in check to notice when I am closed off to possibilities and new perspectives—is to notice those people in my life (past or present) who seemingly haven’t grown at all. They still make the same excuses for not living their dream, they still put people down or treat them in ways that they complain about others treating  them, or even just tell the same worn out, unfunny jokes from 20 years ago.

That’s okay; that is where they are. But when I look at my “time line” of my life, I can see all the progress, and look forward to continuing. More ‘mistakes’ will be made, to be sure. But it is said that it is better to really live and make mistakes, than to never take a chance at living the life you want to live.

Power of Attraction~ By now, most people have heard about the book and video “The Secret”. The Secret is simply the power of attraction. Like attracts like. Creating Our Reality. As you sow so shall you reap. We become what we think about all-day-long.

There are TONS of books on this, and it is what I had been learning and living for some time way before the ‘Secret’ came out, but I love the video and put it on as background noise sometimes to keep reminding me, because even though I fully believe in it, sometimes, stuck in that muck, I forget to pull myself back out right away.

Simply put, if we focus on what we lack, we will never have enough. Enough money, enough love, enough friends, enough resources, opportunities, whatever it is you “want”…if we have ourselves in a constant state of want, then we will always be wanting. However, if we have an attitude of gratitude in our life, focusing more on all the good stuff that we do have, trusting that there is more than enough money, food, love, joy opportunities etc, then we will draw that into our lives. We may think we are saying that we are focusing on more money, but what we are saying is “I don’t have enough, and I want more”. Whenever I worry about money, I get unexpected bills and repairs or even a ticket! But when I just trust that the money will be there when I need it, I get an unexpected check, work, opportunity or idea. Even with weight loss, when I would focus on getting rid of excess weight or fat, the weight loss eluded me. Or I gain. When at one point in my life in particular I was focused on simply being healthy and did so by many healthful habits, I lost the weight and didn’t even realize it until my pants got too baggy and finally I weighed myself and had been at my all time lowest weight! This also happens when you join a class or team just for fun, or get involved in a project, or fall in love and it seems so much easier.  We often say “I’ll be happy when…I lose weight, get rich, meet the person of my dreams,”---you name it---…life is so short…why wait to be happy? Truly, focus on the good that is in your life and just start noticing so much more good coming in. We are human, so negative thoughts will creep in, and simply notice it and replace it with the phrase, “It is a real possibility that_________” and what ever it is you want to see happen.

(Notice the kinds of people and situations you are “attracting” into your life. Life is a mirror, and it reflects either our fears, our behaviors or anything else we exude.

Maybe we are attracting irritable or rude people because we have those characteristics…maybe we attract them because we EXPECT to, or maybe it is a lesson repeating itself for us to learn to stand up and not be treated in certain ways…)

A little tidbit from personal experience…keep it specific, and without harm coming to another person. You don’t wanna say “I want a million dollars” and someone you love dies, or you are in a horrible accident and get that money through that! Also, I used to say, “I just need a break”…and my car would break down!

To learn more about this, watch the video, or go to the library and see the endless titles for this subject!

Life Lessons~ This goes in with the Time Line a bit…Years ago, I began looking at my time here as being enrolled in the University of Life. Each situation is an opportunity to learn. One of my favorite authors, Caroline Myss, has a book called Sacred Contracts that is wonderful. Basically, on a spiritual level, each person with whom you feel a connection with---as a kindred spirit and someone you adore, as well as those who REALLY push your buttons, you have a “Sacred Contract” with. We came here as spirit to learn lessons, and we need to learn them through experience, and as Spirit we are really excited and gung-ho to learn these lessons. It could be forgiveness we need to learn, and what better way to learn forgiveness than to be betrayed, or TO betray…and need to BE forgiven…? She says the spirits that we are connected to in that realm agree to come in this life and help each other to learn these lessons. Another author says it isn’t so much “lessons” as remembering what our spirits already know.

There are tons of books on this subject as well. See my recommended reading lists for some ideas. This has helped me see the world so much more peacefully, although I still have a looonnnngggg way to go! But it helps to answer the question “why do bad things happen to good people?” (Part of this is Karma…not so much as punishment and reward, but our spirits need to learn things from both sides of the coin…in one lifetime you may betray, in the next you are betrayed…or even in the same lifetime). I know not everyone believes in reincarnation, so I tread lightly there. But it is my belief, and I can just say that these beliefs have made me so much more at peace in my own life. And it has helped me to look at those people who push my buttons with more compassion and sometimes gratitude (not always, but working on that!). It makes me feel better about those people that I wish would always be in my life when they have to move to their next step. And also to remember that I have come here to help others learn something too…sometimes positively and sometimes not. I hope this helps others as much as it has helped me.

Volunteer!  For sometime now I have wanted to find an opportunity to volunteer. I have donated gift certificates for charity, but I really wanted to get in there and help in some way. I had no idea what to do. They say to go where your heart calls you, where you gifts can be of use. I bounced a few ideas around, and also was introduced to a great website, www.volunteersolutions.org . This site actually helps you to fine tune where it is you might be best suited that would also be enriching to you.  I used that as a guideline, but when I decided to go to Utah for a 4-day spa getaway, my sister reminded me of the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary and asked if I was going there. I had forgotten about it being there, and looked to see that it was only 90 minutes away. Long story short, I extended my stay another 4 days, and spent 2 of them volunteering at this beautiful facility. 33,000 acres of red rock., and my job on my first day was to help care for the horses. Feeding, watering and “mucking”…yep, cleaning up horse poop. I know this sounds strange, but from that whole 8 day vacation, mucking was my favorite part! It was very meditative to me. I didn’t have to think, I had the energy of the horses around me, I love doing physical activity and there were beautiful views surrounding us. I kept thinking of the phrase, “Chop Wood-Carry Water”. Then I realized the word “muck” as you notice I use that when I refer to the stuff that is negative or doesn’t seem to be working at different points in my life—and I associated it quickly with how much I enjoyed cleaning up the “muck”…literally and figuratively! I also got “hugged” by a burrow named Grandpa Bernie…so cool. My second day was with the dogs, and first I just walked dogs for 3 hours and they were sooooooo happy and grateful! Then I helped feed, and spent another 3 hours just petting and socializing with the dogs! Now that’s MY kind of work! So now I am on my mission. Animals have always been my first love, and I enjoy each moment with them, no matter in what capacity, and that is what I am looking into now, as well as beginning my sister site www.LetsPawsForaMoment.com which will have all kinds of animal friendly resources on it, and will be my true labor of love. There was also the realization for me last year as my Mom had gotten very sick, that if she had made it, she would have had to sell her home and spend a few months in a nursing home, which would have been devastating to her. So I believe that is a possibility for me, knowing that many people don’t want to be in nursing home, how could I help make their lives better? I’ll feel that I am also honoring my Mom and give them the compassion that I would’ve hoped she would have received. Another thing I have want to do is to be a Big Sister~ this I will probably wait a little while because I’d like to devote enough time to it. What would it be for you? There are so so many opportunities---from animals, children, elderly, environment, disease/illness projects, meals on wheels, making dreams come true for those who are terminally ill, you name it, it is out there. We each have a gift to share, whether it is through touch, writing, driving, talking, caring, cleaning, or participating in a charity marathon. It could be for an organization or the kindly old woman down the street who has no family…It could simply consist of being a voice for those who can’t do it themselves, or inviting someone with no family over for a holiday dinner.

Whatever it is, it should be something that calls to you, and the activity you choose will come from your heart.  Yes, you could also write a check, but I have to tell you, the fulfillment you receive when you are right there helping…you feel like a hero at the same time feeling so humble and honored to be able to be of service. And that smile (or wagging tail!) of appreciation is the most precious payment you could ever receive!

Pretend Interview~ Okay, this may sound off the wall, but it goes in with the Life Lessons, and Time Line—Periodically I find myself pretending to be interviewed by someone like Oprah. I think of different questions that could be asked and maybe my views on various topics, and it really puts me in touch with my inner thoughts and sometimes I am surprised by my answers. I like to see if I am proud of my answers, or are there things that I would like to change? Am I living in alignment with my beliefs and values? Do I make excuses for habits or character traits? Am I making a difference in my life or the lives of others? I look at others, and while I know we are all at different places along our journey, I use my past “mistakes” or habits/perceptions of others, both the ideals I’d like to emulate and those I’d like to improve upon. It is very enlightening. You could also do this simply by journaling, and periodically going over your journal and seeing how you have grown, or just what thoughts/patterns keep coming up. Wow…I went through a few of my journals or poems that I wrote when I was in two different difficult love relationships. Each one had so many entries, to be brief, of being incredibly unhappy. When I wrote them, I was venting it out. When I read it all at once—page after page of deep sadness, despair, and desperation…I burned it all. As I burned each piece I decided then and there that I would never get to that point again. Now, I am able to enjoy each relationship and friendship for what it is, and I am learning the art of “detachment” (see below).

I realize that no one else is responsible for my happiness, and each of us has our share of issues. I realize that I reacted unfavorably in those situations and caused a lot of pain back, instead of just moving on when it was time and wishing them adieu. I now can wish them the best, and because of being able to see my habitual thought patterns, I have become more aware when those thoughts seep into my mind, and I am able to replace them with more empowering thoughts. My relationships are so much lighter now, and more respectful, appreciative, joyful and more deeply connected. My question for you to ask yourself then is, “What is your own story”?

 Detachment—this one always sounds like it is a cold thing to do. It doesn’t mean to not care about something, but to let go of the control of the outcome of a situation, or of a person.  Feel the difference of doing something you love. Image that if you can. Now, instead of focusing on doing it and loving it, you are focused on the fear of not being able to do it or it being taken away from you in some way. If you are too attached to a person, then if that person can’t be with you…for a moment OR forever, your world shatters.

But when we can simultaneously look at everything in our lives as meaning everything to us AND not being significant, it helps us to be more relaxed in our experiences. (This is a message from “A Course In Miracles”) This happens to me if someone cancels something that I have been looking forward to, especially at the last minute. If it is a friend canceling a dinner, a client canceling last minute for an appointment repeatedly, an event getting rained out, or…even more significantly loss of a career, a friendship/relationship ending permanently out of the blue or someone close passing away…when we have a tight hold on anyone or anything in our lives, it is absolutely devastating when we get “let down’.  But remember, no one else is responsible for our joy. We have lots of choices. And we can choose how to interpret each of these events. And also what part we play as well.  There have been a very few times I have had to cancel a dinner  at the last minute, and was so grateful that the friend was understanding, if a client cancels last minute, I always have something with me to work on or read or I look at it as message from the universe that I need a rest more than I could use the money—and if the client does that repeatedly, it is my responsibility to bring it to their attention and have the policy in place to help cover expenses lost, if an event gets rained out—that’s a bit of a bummer, but that is why it is good to have a “plan B” in place! My friend and I got rained out of parasail trip and since we both took the day off because up until that day it said the whether would be perfect—we spent the day doing fun indoor things instead; a job lost is opening up our time for an even better career opportunity, loss of a friendship or relationship---sometimes this needs to happen, and it also opens us up to someone even more perfectly suited for us.

There was a saying I heard once that when you stay with someone out of obligation, it means you are a slave, and it lacks dignity. I believe it lacks dignity for both people. I want people to spend time with me or be involved with me because they WANT to, not because they feel OBLIGATED to…

There is an email that goes around about people are in our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime—this is the essence of detachment as well as living in the moment---enjoy the time we have with each person, animal friend, or situation, and if or when the time comes that we can’t be with them anymore, we will have lovely “rocking chair memories” when we grow old.  We can’t hold onto water or sand too tightly without it rushing out of our hands. When we hold our hands open and relaxed we receive so much more. The next relationship or friendship will be even more perfect for us. We have all seen that happen in some capacity.

Death—we all must die. It’s a part of the circle of life. But the people we love are always with us, another reason to enjoy those moments together—to have beautiful memories when they are gone. They would not want us to be sad for long. And when we are open and aware, we can receive the most beautiful messages and gifts from them even after they pass…

(I will be including an article dedicated to my Mom in my articles section, that goes over this along with some other things…=)

Learn~ Learn~ Learn~ I have a compulsive need and desire to learn. I want to learn a little of everything, but I also know one of my purposes is to go into less subjects but more deeply.  I was told the average person only reads ONE book after their highest learning institution on personal enrichment. One book! As you can see from my recommended reading list,(and there are many more like me) if one is the AVERAGE and others read countless books…how many are reading none at all? Or if that one book was crappy! The library is FREE, and they even have books on tape and learning videos! The possibilities are endless as is your imagination—anything from sciences, metaphysics, sewing, cooking, engine or home maintenance, dance, martial arts, positive thinking, animals---If you want to go a bit more in depth you could do a correspondence course. If you have the time you could take a college or night class, an exercise class, you could barter with a friend who may know how to do something you’d like to learn. They say to keep our minds alert to challenge ourselves, even doing crossword puzzles. Look up a new word each day. I even like to look up familiar words that we “know” the meaning, or at least know what context to use it in, but never know the real meaning of it.  If we don’t grow, we stagnate. Think of a murky, mossy pond compared to a flowing river…

Again, the books we read are part of what has changed us and opened our minds over the years. Even reading a good piece of literature or fiction, when you “look at the lessons” in a story, that will be just as enriching!

New Perspective—While it is very important to surround yourself with people you feel comfortable with, where you feel accepted, supported and have like interests and values, I find it very rewarding to also spend time with people who have varying perspectives and perceptions and trying to keep an open mind about their points of view. I learn lots of new stuff this way, and many times I’ll also think “that person is full of crap” (sometimes they are!) But even if I am not going to agree with someone, it is nice to hear other sides of an issue, or learning how to agree to disagree—still respecting their opinion and their RIGHT to their own opinion. How often do we forget that? How easy it is for us to say “That person is just WRONG!” And how do we feel when someone tells us we are JUST WRONG! Not too good, huh? I love what my one friend says when he tries a food dish that he doesn’t really like. He never says “its bad” and not even “I don’t like that”, he always says, “you know, I don’t really LOVE it”. So that way he isn’t going to get it served to him again, but he also softened the blow of him not liking it, and that it was him not liking it, not “it’s bad”. I know of other people that if it isn’t what they like, or believe in, it is just unquestionably wrong. I actually had to end a few friendships years ago, after finally working up the courage to tell the 2 different people that it really hurt me that they never respected my right to my own opinion—ever—that we needed to talk about it or we needed to say goodbye. It wasn’t that I thought I was always right, although truth be told, I can still be very bull-headed on certain issues! But to me, with a true friend you don’t need to weigh thoughts or measure words, and once I was able to bring my concern to light, and even THAT was considered wrong, the friendship needed to end. Now, I have the most wonderful friends, and we bounce all sorts of ideas off of each other, and they do keep me in check my helping me to notice when I am not congruent with my beliefs, and they are open to me doing the same for them. And, beautifully and peaceably, we can agree to disagree. Sometimes we look eye to eye, sometimes we are looking in the same direction, but sometimes we also bring something completely different to the table, and it is wonderful!

Strengths/Weakness—(See, I said in the beginning I did a lot of inner work stuff, and not as much adventure!) There are various books on this as well, but essentially, while it is important to recognize our weaknesses and strengthen or improve them, we shouldn’t lose sight of our strengths we already possess and learn to appreciate and cultivate them even more. We all have strengths, or gifts. Just as in the power of attraction, if we keep focusing on what we don’t like about ourselves, or what we perceive as weakness, that “weakness” is going to feel as big as the Leaning Tower of Pisa and we are under it trying to hold it up. There are things that I am very good at, and it has taken a while to not feel like I am ‘conceited’ in thinking that. But even the things I am good at I am open to improvement. And a note on perceived weakness…there is an awesome little book called the “Te of Piglet” which is the sequel to the “Tao of Pooh”. The author describes Taoism through the story books of Winnie the Pooh.  Piglet feels so bad that he is so small, what good could he possibly ever do being so small? In the end, Piglet saves the day in one of the stories BECAUSE he is so small. My big weakness, as I mentioned earlier, is always being soooo quiet and soft spoken. I hated it. I hated being so shy. I hated people asking me why am I soooo quiet, don’t I ever talk, they couldn’t even hear me in reading class in grade school even if they sat right next to me. I was teased and ridiculed and just completely misunderstood. As I got older, some people  thought I was conceited…Only the “enlightened ones” seemed to know that they just needed to ask me more involved questions to get me to talk, and never, ever bring up the fact that I was quiet, and then I’d talk their ears off!...the reason I say all of this is now, the people who love me the most, and my clients that are in alignment with me and my purpose all tell me that one of the things they love about me? ~That I am so quiet, soft spoken and compassionate~. I do talk more now, but I always strive to keep that quality.  By just being true to me, I have attracted the people who enjoy me for me, and for my line of work---quietness is usually a plus! Another thing to try is to find a trusted friend or professional who can be completely objective just to get an idea of what may be more or less of an issue than you think, but in the end, trust your own intuition before making the change. For our strengths…what is in your heart? What compliments to you get often, or requests for help? I know people who are so great at planning parties or showers; one friend if I were to describe her in one word is she IS a “Hug”…that is what you feel just in her presence, she makes you feel so welcome…it could be something that is your line of work, or just something that is ~you~ your caring nature, your brilliant ideas of problem solving…here is a task for you my coach Patt gave to me…WRITE down a list of AT LEAST 50,  yes, 50 things that you LOVE about you…your eyes, your athletic ability, your blueberry pie, your ability to convey your feelings or communicate, your wizardry at the computer…you name it.

Once you get on a roll you, will be lovingly surprised at what an awesome person you are! (Of course you could make a list of things you’d like to work on, but do this gently if you decide to try that!)

Meditate/ Be In This Moment---I am still trying to figure out exactly what meditation really is! There is visualization, but that is really just to relax you to be able to get to meditation. From what I have learned it is just quieting your mind, and sometimes it is also allowing your answers to come to you (intuition). But it shouldn’t be work, it should just “be”. If you notice thoughts, notice them and let them float by. Meditation could be sitting or lying quietly, it could be moving meditation like yoga or tai chi, it could also be just being in that moment, where nothing else exists…running, lifting weights or any other exercise, it happened for me the first time I went mountain rappelling—I was only focused on that moment, doing it correctly and not falling! The second time I did it I chose to do it blindfolded and that enhanced it even more.  It could be looking for 5 minutes into the eyes of someone you love (one of my personal favorites!! Whether it is with a special sweetheart, a close friend or my oldest pup Angus whose eyes are like looking into heaven itself…) For many people, even sex is meditative, because as long as you are enjoying the experience, there is nothing else in your mind at that moment…no worries, no shopping lists to take care of, no work issues…just you and your special person and the love that you create. It could also be in listening to beautiful music and really being there for the music, or finger painting or dancing and really, truly being there.  (Mindful contemplation is also very good…cutting vegetables, cleaning, eating, driving…give 100% of your attention to whatever it is that you are doing, and  your mind cannot wander…)

I am working on this myself. It isn’t the easiest thing, but when I am there, wow.

In the movie/book Peaceful Warrior, that is a significant message. “When you are truly in the moment, you will be amazed at what you can do, and how well you can do it.”

My two most significant moments like this—One was as my Mom was dying, and she couldn’t talk, and I didn’t know what to say to her, so we just looked into each other’s eyes, and I held her hand and stroked her hair. I could actually see the loving energy passing between us, and also thru she and my sister as they held hands…that is one of the gifts that carried me through the most difficult time in my whole life…another was on the anniversary of my Mom’s death I noticed that my peonies hadn’t bloomed yet—the year before I had taken her a peony from my garden 2 weeks before she actually passed away, and I was getting antsy that they hadn’t bloomed yet. I was on my way over to a friend’s house, and saw that it looked like they wanted to pop out, but not too close. So I sent a message to the universe “if my Mom is with me today, please have at least one of the peonies bloom by the time I get home”. On my way there, on this one particular highway, I felt the most incredible sense of calm, freedom, joy, serenity, love…I don’t know how best to describe it but that I felt “cradled or caressed by God”. The feel of the air coming in thru the windows, the contrast of the sun and shade of the trees flowing over me, a song on the radio called Small Wonders about letting things go …I was SO in that moment and wanted to drink it in and savor it that I closed my eyes then quickly realized WHOA! That’s not the best idea while I’m driving! I told my friend about it who had had similar experiences. When I came home, I had TWO peonies fully bloomed.  Being present, I was able to fully enjoy and appreciate that gift.  I feel sad when I look at different pictures taken at special occasions when I realize that I don’t even remember posing for the photograph, and sometimes not even much about the occasion more than just knowing that I went. It is because of the continual moments of not being present, of worrying about other things, daydreaming, rehashing conversations in my mind, wondering, going over that to do list, etc.

But the calm and beauty of moments like that above…Really makes me make that commitment to myself to enjoy each moment, because tomorrow is promised to no one…

Take a Pottery Class—I love this one. This is also very meditative. I get lost in creating something and feeling the clay in my hands. I kinda stink at it, but I love it all the same. If you are in the Bucks County area, check out www.earthcenterpottery.com. It makes you feel like a kid in kindergarten again. You can be messy and creative and make cool things that you can use. You also learn to …let go of control of the outcome. Yes, its true.

Your piece may flop while you are spinning it, it might shatter in the kiln, the color glaze you choose may look totally different than you thought, and it might just look way cooler than you had possibly imagined! You also need to not compare yourself to those in class who are particularly gifted or have taken the class for a while! Or, you can just go to “play in clay”!!

Sharing—Give & Receive---what a beautiful concept. There is no “taking”. I have often said that in friendships, relationships, partnerships, families, communities, or globally—when everyone gives, everyone receives. When everyone tries to TAKE, no one receives anything.  There are people you LOVE to help, because they appreciate every little thing and more so they don’t “expect” you do things for them. Then there are those you would really rather not help out---they tell you to do it, not ask. They never do anything for anyone else. They expect you to work your schedule around their needs. They never pay you the money you loan them…  I usually try to go out of my way to make sure that I give a little more---or at least make the offer because I don’t ever want to be known as the person who uses anyone for anything… in their eyes or mine.  But I have also learned the art of saying no if I can’t do something, or if I simply really don’t want to do something. Because if my heart isn’t in it, it really isn’t good for anyone involved, and I will be resentful. It seems to take up the time that I could be using for something else.

That being said, if your heart is in it, give freely and with abandon! Without expectation of anything in return. It’s a paradox, because when you don’t expect to “be paid back” the universe does pay you back tenfold. It might not be from the same person or in the same context, but it happens. But only if you are doing it because you want to, and not for gain.

Think of how good it feels when someone lets your car out in traffic. That person is getting nothing for it, but you might then just let the next person out…ripple effect.

I ran back to open a door for a woman using a cane and you would have thought I gave her a million bucks! She was so thankful, and as good as it made me feel, I also thought about how many people would have not been “in that moment”  and not noticed as they let it slam in her face…and it must have meant more since I ran back to do it…I don’t really know. But the smile I received was well worth the extra 10 or 20 seconds out of my day.  Imagine just a moment…going to the post office and you think the person in front of you HAS to see you, and lets the door slam in your face…if nothing else, you know you are probably thinking “jerk!”, or even let that spiral you to having a bad day…but then imagine someone making sure they hold it open for you and give you a smile…it took nothing out of their day, but made the world to yours…We did an exercise at a business function—go up to as many people as you  can and greet them as if they mean NOTHING to you, and you couldn’t care less about them…wow, it sucked if I may say…feeling so unimportant. Then, we were to greet as many people as we could as if they meant the world to us and we were SO HAPPY to see them—wow. So much laughter and the energy lifted from lifeless and edgy to just pure fun…even a lot of hugs! Another thing is even sharing a bit of food with my dogs…anyone who is a pet lover knows this feeling! The joy on their little faces is so powerful.  Just think about any of the small or large events where you received something just because, and knowing there were no strings attached. Now think of the magnitude of how much generosity we can create in the world if we stop focusing on “gimme gimme,” and “what’s in it for ME” to “how can I be of service to others? What can I share?” Even if all you can afford in time and money is a smile, that is just as significant (plus, remember—if we must wrinkle, smile lines are a whole lot more attractive than frown lines!!)

Train for an event~  Well, I first put this on my list because after many years of being afraid to run because of weak ankles, but feeling drawn to run a marathon when my Dad had asked when would I do a marathon during my “adventure” period…which was about a month before he passed away. I wanted to one day run a marathon in memory of him.

I found a perfect opportunity and had 9 months to train for a half marathon that a friend was going to do. I was attracting a lot of runners and triathletes into my life, so I took it as a sign. I was doing well…went from running 1 minute/walking 5 up to 16 straight minutes of running! I was feeling great, but then…my ankles acted up. But training FOR something felt great, SO I am now on the lookout for something else…maybe biking. Or maybe it will be running and I just need to take a couple of years to train…who knows!

I trained for a few hikes a while back, and I know when I train for a specific thing, I put more of my heart into it, and it is just so rewarding to see what you can accomplish!

Solitude---someone said that you can only be lonely if you don’t like the company of the person you are with (i.e. that you would be yourself!) That really got me thinking recently—

I so treasure and value my alone time even though I don’t have any stress in my life in the way of “having” to be with anyone…my time is my own and what I want to do with it. Even when I am romantically involved, I now attract partners who also have their own responsibilities and activities that we give each other the grace and respect of having our own time. I hate the word “allow” because that would imply control over each other.

But as much as I love my alone time, often it is only when I ~choose~ to be alone that I am okay with it. I have wonderful friends, but we each have busy lives, and various priorities. We are each important to each other, but there are only so many days in the week or month! So there are times when I must be myself, even when I’d rather be with special people. I go on vacation alone…partly out of necessity, and partly now because I enjoy the freedom of my own agenda. I don’t have to worry about someone else not wanting to do what I want, or having to go somewhere I’d rather not. Yes, at times it would be nice to share it with a friend, but I get to meet so many nice and cool people that if I was with someone I might not even think to talk to…There is a lovely place in Northeast Phila with the Medical Mission Sisters. They have these little peace hermitages—tiny cabins, very simple and rustic, but cozy—to just get away from it all, and just be with your self. I have done this 3 or 4 times now. Deer come right up to the door, there is a small labyrinth to pray and/or meditate, and parks nearby.

But I started to think about that quote…do I like the company I am with when I am by myself? Sometimes, I am not sure! I don’t like when my thoughts go negative, but on a whole, I think I really do like me.  I catch myself singing silly songs, or dancing to the music in my head, or smiling for no reason or thinking of something special or silly.

I enjoy a lot of solitude activities, but I also enjoy my time with others. It has taken me a while, but I can now enjoy both. For those who never are without the constant companionship, I think it may be even more important to take some time…whether it is a few minutes each day or a few days every couple of months, but get that “you time” to recharge your batteries. It may feel selfish at first, but soon you realize that you have so much more to give to your work, family and life. And to you. AND, it helps you to truly love the company of your Self.

(There are those who absolutely cannot stand to be alone…needing constant company of others…if that is something that you struggle with, it is also important

to look at that and to see why it is so important…or in other words, why is it uncomfortable to be alone?)

Honor differences along with a sense of belonging—I used to think these two ideas would be mutually exclusive.  I have cultivated much more compassion and empathy over the years, but there are still many times as in my whole life where I don’t feel like I “fit in”. The funny thing is, even when I was little, I never wanted to squeeze into a circumstance that I didn’t fit into well; I was searching for the true sense of belonging of people who were more similar to me with their values and interests and ideas.---KINDRED SPIRITS of sorts…  As I mentioned above, I do love to hear different perspectives too…I read a quote once that had so much impact on me…that people are searching for an imaginary somewhere that they feel that sense of belonging. There is no doubt when you feel that connection with a particular person or organization and you just “click”. But even within those relationships or organizations, there will be differences.  There will also be places where we don’t feel a connection, but will still find useful information and resources. It all goes back to keeping and open mind.

Some Resources~ Here are some on-line resources I love that send inspirational messages daily, weekly or monthly. Often times it will really give me something to think about, and I just love how they are written…they have a personal feel to them…if these don’t call to you, look up something like “positive thinking” or whatever else, and I’m sure you’ll find something. Many of my favorite authors also have email newsletters, so check out your favorites!

www.sparkpeople.com  (see “healthy reflections”, but the main website is for fitness and weight loss ideas…)

www.dailyom.com

www.kaballah.com

www.successsongs.com

www.healthyliving.com

www.perfectcustomers.com

www.adventurecoach.com

~more to be added soon!

Inner Guidance/Intuition~ It is the best resource that we have. I have the habit of always taking a poll for various decisions I need or want to make…then I kinda filter what each person says and do what feels right. I want to get to the point I just go with my gut and heart without having to ask everyone, but I think I also do it so I don’t get tunnel vision…However, when I go with my instinct, my intuition I am never led astray. Sometimes it FEELS like I have, such as in those 2 past relationships or certain jobs I have taken, but each thing leads me to the next, and I learned valuable lessons within each situation that I was able to apply to the next situation, and the next…there are no mistakes in that regard.

Look into my eyes…(Okay, you just heard the funky voice, right!)

Release Resentment…in other words, practice forgiveness. This can be very challenging. We are so caught up in the wrongs done to us. Not many of us think of the wrongs we have done to others…It is easy, far too easy, to feel the victim. As I mentioned before, it may be something that is consciously OR unconsciously done—from them to us, or us to them. But if we think about it #1, as lessons, it makes it so much easier. #2, we don’t have to condone what “they did to us”, or to someone else, but to realize we all make mistakes, sometimes seemingly hideous mistakes, but it all brings about growth of some kind if we let it. I love the quote in The Five People You Meet In Heaven—“Anger is a curved blade, what we do to others, we also do to ourselves…”

This is also sort of like Karma, or what comes around goes around. Another thing to think about is we only see a snapshot of anyone’s life, whether it is the 3 seconds of the “jerk” in traffic, the 5 minutes with the “rude teller or cashier”, the 8 hours each day with crabby coworkers or backstabbers at work, or even those we are most intimate with…we don’t know their “whole story”, even of those we love, because none of us remember our own whole story completely! There are seemingly insignificant events that happen in our lives that shape who we are…even scenes from a movie, or a long forgotten dream, a name that we were called, a favorite pastime, a favorite or least favorite person…we may hate a certain name because someone with that name was mean to us, or love necklaces because a sweet lady who helped us may have worn a pretty necklace…anyway, off on a tangent there! Forgiveness…we all have a story. Sometimes a person DID do a seemingly horrible deed, but maybe with good intentions. A story I give, which isn’t quite the same, but does illustrate how intentions can be misunderstood. I walked into a lunchroom at work, and two coworkers were talking, and quite possibly about me, but I am not sure…Saying “and she never even says hello or acknowledges anyone when she walks into the lunchroom, my parents would have punished as a kid me for being so rude!” And I thought and should have answered, but ironically the very reason I didn’t was also the thing I should have said, “Wow, in my family that was considered interrupting, so we would have been punished or at the very least ignored…I know when I walk into the lunchroom, I don’t want to interrupt a conversation in progress…” But, of course, I didn’t want to interrupt their conversation…I do know several people thought I was rude for not saying hello back, until they found out I had a slight hearing loss! Or sometimes I am so absorbed in thought I just don’t hear either…

There are things from when I was younger I wish above wishes that I could undo, redo, apologize for, or even smack myself for…I understand everything happens as it should, and sometimes the most difficult person to forgive is ourselves.

In “The Five People You Meet In Heaven”, this concept is very clear. There are people who hurt us, and we don’t understand in life, why. There are people we hurt and had no clue that we did. This can also go to the being ~in the moment~ how often do we say a ‘flippant” remark? Or a put down in jest? I know a guy who only knows how to joke by putting others down—but newer friend has a saying, “when something is funny, both people are supposed to laugh”…believe me, I have had my fair share of betrayal, lies, bad childhood moments, hurts, heartaches, friendships gone sour…and at the time I cry my eyes out and scream inside “how can they do this to me!!” It happens less often now, although I still may wonder “why”. But soon after that I remember “it all happens for a reason”, “This too shall pass”, “what comes around goes around”, ‘”have I done anything to attract this…” etc…